I’ve had several people recently say “I don’t know how you do it!” What they mean is how do I stay on top of the farm (which includes several acres of produce, cows, wheat and soybean fields, 24 sheep and growing , 200 hens, & over 5,000 meat chickens per year), my ever-growing soap business, my almost 5 year old beautiful daughter (who I homeschool), & house/yardwork! So many people think I’m a super hero, but what they don’t know is that I struggle daily with anxiety, mom guilt, and often feel out of control. Don’t get me wrong…for the first time in years I can genuinely say I am happy. I feel fulfilled and like I have a purpose. I was just telling my dad this week that I feel like my marriage is better than it’s been, well ever. I love my husband and learning how to navigate as business partners has only gown our relationship. We are a good team.
But there is A LOT to stay on top of. I am currently reading Balanced: Finding Center as a Work-At-Home Mom by Tricia Goyer. After beating the heck out of myself one day for not doing school enough that week and feeling like I didn’t give Eden enough attention I did a google search on work at home moms and found this book and it’s amazing. Tricia Goyer is a Christian author who works hard, homeschools her kids, but most of all loves Jesus and trusts him to guide her day.
Mom guilt and comparing myself and my life to others is the devil…literally, he knows what tears me down! I have to remind myself 900 times a day that I am not a bad mom and that my daughter has the best life. I’m also an enneagram 1 (if you don’t know what the enneagram is look it up!), which means I am never going to be good enough for myself. I could be Jesus and I’d still beat myself up!
I also struggle with comparing myself and our life to others…which is sooooo dumb! How many other people do I know that live on a huge farm, homeschool their kids, and work from home?! Probably less than 5! I can’t compare our family to others. We are us and they are them. We are going to have to do life the way that fits our circumstances and it might not look anything like Susan down the street, but that’s okay.
As many of you know, I have been struggling with infertility for almost 4 years now. On top of feeling guilty for being so busy, I often feel guilty for not being able to give Eden a sibling. She lives out here in the middle of no where and has no one to play with. But God whispers in my ear often that he’s with her and she’s not lonely at all. He is holding her in his hands and shaping her life daily. I compare our family of 3 to Susan’s family of 5 and it makes me a little sad. But then God reminds me that he hasn’t forgotten our family either and that if we never have another child that’s okay.
I feel like I’m all over the place today and this isn’t going the exact direction I intended, but I needed to get it all out. And I’m not normally this churchy on here, but I guess the Spirit is moving today!
Here’s what I know God is saying to me. Insert you’re own awesomeness! I know not everyone makes soap and farms lol!
First off, you are an amazing mother. You work so hard on the farm and making soap, plus keeping the house somewhat clean and meals always on the table. You homeschool your daughter 3-6 hours a week and often do crafts with her. When the devil tells you you’re not good enough show him the Pinterest fairy house and the pirate ship you made! Remind yourself of the board game you played with her yesterday or the movie you watched with her last week. Stop beating yourself up! Look at all the sight words she already knows. And she’s not lonely. I am with her all the time. I have her in my hands and will guide her heart and soul.
Second, quit comparing your life and family to others. I designed your life and your family just the way it is right now. You have trusted me with so much, especially since you quit your day jobs and started farming. No, you might not get to take vacations and go on shopping sprees but I put you on this gorgeous land and show you my presence daily in the sunset and in the birds and butterflies outside your window. And you have no idea if you will have more children or not but I know your future and it is good and I will be here. Right now, I have given you a beautiful daughter and a wonderful loving husband. Focus on loving them and being present for them in the right now.
Thirdly, as for how to answer those who say they don’t know how you do it, tell them I help you daily. I give you grace, energy, and passion to wake up every morning and do what needs done. I guide your steps. I have given you a husband to encourage you and to comfort you when you’re down and overwhelmed.
For the love, quit beating yourself up! Quit comparing yourself! Simply do and love and come to me. Love, Jesus
I feel like this was more of a personal journal entry. But I think I’m still going to share it. I know there are so many moms out there who beat themselves up and who feel overwhelmed. You are not alone. You are not unseen. But most importantly you are awesome and have been given GRACE by an awesome father who is with you every step of the way.