The Birth Story Part 1: The Back Story
Being a mom. That is the one true calling I feel I have always had, the one job that made sense to me. In college I had no idea what to do when I graduated. I bounced around from course to course trying to find something that fit. And even after college I struggled to find my way in this world. Being a mom was something I had a strong desire to be, even in high school. Being a wife and a mom were enough for me. And luckily for me, I married an amazing man that understood and respected that. We often talked about the day when we would have children and we decided we would do whatever possible for me to stay at home and raise them. He knew my heart and my passion for being a mother and I love that about him.
We were married in college and then we both continued schooling after that. We always had a reason for putting off having children. We tried here and there, but something always made me think we should just wait a little longer. Of course, I did not want to wait. I wanted to have a baby in my arms the day we were married, but at the same time I wanted us to be somewhat responsible with the timing. Plus, we kind of always knew we would move back to his family farm after we finished school. I think in our hearts we both wanted to be somewhat settled before having children. Plus, we felt like we hardly had time to be married with all the craziness going on between school and finding jobs. We moved to the farm in December 2013 after three and a half years of marriage. I felt everything but settled after moving out here. It was an extremely difficult transition for me. I went through a few months of pretty bad depression and then in the Spring I told Chad it was time to quit going back and forth and it was time to have a baby.
I was going to be 26 in October and in my head that was almost 30, and I was in denial about not having children and being 30 for some reason. Each month that went by and I was not pregnant just made me even more depressed. I believe it was in June or July that I saw my OB and told her I just knew something was wrong with me and that I would never be able to have children. She said I was a completely normal to have that feeling and not to worry. She told me that if I were not pregnant by October to come back and she would give me some medication to help the process.
By this point I was tracking everything, taking my temperature, and charting it all to see when I was the most fertile. It was getting pretty ridiculous. I was becoming obsessed and stressed about the whole thing. It was not enjoyable for Chad or me because of my stress level and constant worry. Every time a friend became pregnant I would break down and cry. Every time someone asked us when we were going to have kids I would break down and cry. I really wanted to punch those people! I know we really weren’t trying for that long, but when you want something so bad it is hard with each passing month not to have it. It seemed as if every female on facebook were pregnant, including their dogs! Everyone was having babies! And it always seemed like everywhere I looked I either read or heard stories about infertility. My heart really did break for women who struggle with infertility. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for them.
Somewhere between August and October I quit charting it all and something inside me just decided to let it go. Trust God and let it go. Enjoy your marriage and where you are in life right now. October came and for some reason I decided to wait until the new year to go back and start the medication. I was still concerned and upset, but I’m not a big fan of medication and I really wanted to trust in God’s perfect timing. I knew I had not truly let go of control, nor relaxed. Whether I was on medication or not I needed to do so. My birthday came on October 9th and I did not want to celebrate. I’m pretty sure I woke up crying actually. I was supposed to be pregnant by my 26th Birthday! Did God not get the memo?! Of course I had to sulk and be a big baby. I was pretty ridiculous!
Looking back now it gives me the chills how it all went down. When I start to question God or His existence I remind myself of times like these. It is so evident in our life that He is here with us every single day.
I am so glad I decided to wait and not go back to the doctor until the beginning of the new year 2015 to start that medication. Because on a cold Winter day on December 1st in the Pawnee, Oklahoma tag office I found out I was having a baby. (Wow, I never thought writing this and remembering all the details would send me into a serious cry fest, but it is!)
A week earlier I had gone to the chiropractor for the first time. I knew they would be taking some x-rays and I was one week late (which never happens) so I decided to take a pregnancy test. Of course, it was negative like all the others I had taken over the past several months. So I went in and had the x-ray and all was well. Well one week later on December 1st things still weren’t adding up. I was working part-time in the coffee shop inside the Pawnee tag office. I had to be there at 7am to open up the shop. I’m trying to remember right, but I think I had taken the test the week before in the building and had an extra test that I had left there.
I had everything in the shop ready to go and there were a few minutes before it opened so I decided to take the other test. Now I am the only person in the building and I am fixing to be serving customers coffee. What was I thinking?! Well it said positive. I was completely freaking out and shaking. I just kept asking myself what to do. Like there was something I needed to do?! I remember either calling or texting the lady who ran the tag office because I knew she would be coming in soon and we had become good friends. I asked her what to do too! Ha ha! I guess I thought there was some magic thing I was supposed to do when I found out. I think the shock was getting to me. I felt like I had waited a lifetime for that moment. Of course, the skeptic that I am still questioned the validity of the stick with the blue lines, but deep in my heart I knew it was true.
I shakily served customers their coffee and miscounted their change back to them until the rush was over. I texted Chad and told him he needed to come talk to me because it was important. He worked across the street so it was no problem for him to walk on over. I think it was around 9am when I told him he was going to be a daddy. Oh my goodness, what indescribable feelings. December 1st 2014 was a really great day! Needless to say I took 3 or 4 more tests over the next week just to verify our findings. But it was true…we were having a baby! It was a wonderful and perfect early Christmas present!