Category Archives: Motherhood

“I Don’t Know How You Do It!”

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I’ve had several people recently say “I don’t know how you do it!”  What they mean is how do I stay on top of the farm (which includes several acres of produce, cows, wheat and soybean fields, 24 sheep and growing , 200 hens, & over 5,000 meat chickens per year), my ever-growing soap business, my almost 5 year old beautiful daughter (who I homeschool), & house/yardwork!  So many people think I’m a super hero, but what they don’t know is that I struggle daily with anxiety, mom guilt, and often feel out of control.  Don’t get me wrong…for the first time in years I can genuinely say I am happy. I feel fulfilled and like I have a purpose.  I was just telling my dad this week that I feel like my marriage is better than it’s been, well ever.  I love my husband and learning how to navigate as business partners has only gown our relationship.  We are a good team.

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The best business partners around…at the farmers market!

But there is A LOT to stay on top of.  I am currently reading Balanced: Finding Center as a Work-At-Home Mom by Tricia Goyer.  After beating the heck out of myself one day for not doing school enough that week and feeling like I didn’t give Eden enough attention I did a google search on work at home moms and found this book and it’s amazing.  Tricia Goyer is a Christian author who works hard, homeschools her kids, but most of all loves Jesus and trusts him to guide her day.

Mom guilt and comparing myself and my life to others is the devil…literally, he knows what tears me down!  I have to remind myself 900 times a day that I am not a bad mom and that my daughter has the best life.  I’m also an enneagram 1 (if you don’t know what the enneagram is look it up!), which means I am never going to be good enough for myself.  I could be Jesus and I’d still beat myself up!

I also struggle with comparing myself and our life to others…which is sooooo dumb!  How many other people do I know that live on a huge farm, homeschool their kids, and work from home?!  Probably less than 5!  I can’t compare our family to others.  We are us and they are them.  We are going to have to do life the way that fits our circumstances and it might not look anything like Susan down the street, but that’s okay.

As many of you know, I have been struggling with infertility for almost 4 years now.  On top of feeling guilty for being so busy, I often feel guilty for not being able to give Eden a sibling.  She lives out here in the middle of no where and has no one to play with.  But God whispers in my ear often that he’s with her and she’s not lonely at all.  He is holding her in his hands and shaping her life daily.  I compare our family of 3 to Susan’s family of 5 and it makes me a little sad.  But then God reminds me that he hasn’t forgotten our family either and that if we never have another child that’s okay.

 

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My favorite girl helping with morning chicken chores!

I feel like I’m all over the place today and this isn’t going the exact direction I intended, but I needed to get it all out.  And I’m not normally this churchy on here, but I guess the Spirit is moving today!

Here’s what I know God is saying to me. Insert you’re own awesomeness!  I know not everyone makes soap and farms lol!

First off, you are an amazing mother.  You work so hard on the farm and making soap, plus keeping the house somewhat clean and meals always on the table.  You homeschool your daughter 3-6 hours a week and often do crafts with her.  When the devil tells you you’re not good enough show him the Pinterest fairy house and the pirate ship you made!  Remind yourself of the board game you played with her yesterday or the movie you watched with her last week.  Stop beating yourself up!  Look at all the sight words she already knows.  And she’s not lonely.  I am with her all the time.  I have her in my hands and will guide her heart and soul.

Second, quit comparing your life and family to others.  I designed your life and your family just the way it is right now.  You have trusted me with so much, especially since you quit your day jobs and started farming.  No, you might not get to take vacations and go on shopping sprees but I put you on this gorgeous land and show you my presence daily in the sunset and in the birds and butterflies outside your window.  And you have no idea if you will have more children or not but I know your future and it is good and I will be here.  Right now, I have given you a beautiful daughter and a wonderful loving husband.  Focus on loving them and being present for them in the right now.

Thirdly, as for how to answer those who say they don’t know how you do it, tell them I help you daily.  I give you grace, energy, and passion to wake up every morning and do what needs done.  I guide your steps.  I have given you a husband to encourage you and to comfort you when you’re down and overwhelmed.

For the love, quit beating yourself up!  Quit comparing yourself!  Simply do and love and come to me. Love, Jesus

 

I feel like this was more of a personal journal entry.  But I think I’m still going to share it. I know there are so many moms out there who beat themselves up and who feel overwhelmed.  You are not alone.  You are not unseen.  But most importantly you are awesome and have been given GRACE by an awesome father who is with you every step of the way.

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Homeschool Life

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Painting with Animals! Then she got to take a bath with all the animals to scrub the paint away! 

Homeschooling is getting more and more popular and there are more options and opportunities than ever before. Growing up I only knew of one other family who homeschooled, and now most of our friends were either homeschooled at some point in their education or they are homeschooling their kids.  The education crisis in Oklahoma has only increased the amount of families who homeschool.

For our family I almost feel as if the decision to homeschool Eden were already made for us.  For one, we live 30 minutes away (6 miles of horrible gravel roads plus 6 miles of terribly paved roads before you even get to the highway) from town.  I just do not feel good about putting Eden on a school bus and sending her away to school from 7am-4:30pm, especially as a small child.  And I don’t have time (nor does it make sense for us) to drive back and forth from the school all day.

I was already staying at home to help on the farm so why not just add educating my child to my list of responsibilities.  The thought of being together as a family everyday literally warms my heart.  We get to do chores together, plant in the field together, watch sheep be born together, and so much more.  The family unit has sadly been turned and twisted into ways God did not intend.  The way we do life may seem weird and counter-cultural to some, but we are doing all we can to get back to the basic roots of what a family is supposed to be.

Chad and I both firmly believe children should play more, not sit at a desk for hours on end doing busy work.  I know that’s not all they do in a public school, but it is so important to us that Eden is able to farm and do life alongside us throughout the year and not be restricted to a classroom all day.  There is so much about our education system that we do not agree with, but I will not get into that on this post.  Sheltering Eden from the world has nothing to do with our decision to homeschool.  We have a strong desire for her to have a broad worldview, and to be educated about the world.

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 “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Deuteronomy 6:7

Eden is only 4 so we are just now diving into the homeschool world, and it can be very overwhelming at times.  There are so many different types of schooling…or unschooling. (At this point I don’t even care what specific type we are…I am just trying to teach my kid to cut and paste and learn her ABC’s).  There are a bazillion curriculums and co-ops too.

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Counting to 17!

At this point we try to make every moment a learning opportunity.  Just last night when I was making corn bread Eden was up on the stool helping me measure out all the ingredients.  She learns so much on the farm too.  She knows more about farming than I do!

When Eden turned 3 I started doing about 60 minutes a day of structured learning/craft/activity time.  I’m doing the same thing this year and using the same lessons from the Playing Preschool curriculum by The Busy Toddler.  It was actually a facebook advertisement, but I’m glad I clicked on it because I love it and it was very inexpensive.  Every 2 weeks we get a new topic and poem, song, and letter to go along with that.  We read books and  do basic activities and crafts that go along with that topic.  It’s super easy!  I’ve added ABC Bible verse cards and a daily devotional too. More than anything it gives me and Eden an hour a day to sit down and have some structured time together.  With our life there isn’t much structure and things can get pretty hectic, so our school time is crucial to both of us.

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Instead of connecting the dots, we are connecting our ABCs in order!

This week she is learning about solids and liquids.  On Monday we mixed bubble bath and water with my blender and made foam and today we analyzed several different types of liquids around the house to see what was similar and what was different about them.  Somehow her barbies always end up in the middle of what we’re doing and covered with whatever we are using that day!

She will be in kindergarten next year and I plan to use a more in depth curriculum, but still basic enough that neither of us will get burned out.  Homeschooling is more about teachable moments in everything we do than what curriculum we are using or how many minutes per day we write our letters.

And for those of you who worry about her socialization…she is just fine.  She goes to story time at the library every week and started dance class this year, plus she is around kids when she goes to church with her Nana.  In the next couple years we will be looking for a co-op where she can be with other kids probably one day a week in a learning environment.  Co-ops often go on field trips together too.

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At our local library! 

People ask me all the time how long we will homeschool or if we will do it all the way through.  Right now we are taking it one year at a time.  So much can happen in life or she or I may decide public school is what is best for us at that time.  I know homeschooling will come with it’s challenges and there will be days where I will think I can’t do it anymore, but the benefits of it will be worth it.  I can see us homeschooling all the way through, but we will just have to wait and see how that story unfolds.  Until then,  this is the road God has put us on at this point in our lives and we are very blessed.

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“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

My Ectopic Pregnancy Story

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I have been trying to write this post for many months. I’ve deleted and started over many times now. Today is the last day in 2018 so I’m putting this out there so I can leave it in the past and share my story and my raw emotions. From the time Chad and I got engaged I imagined having four to five children running barefoot through the house. It took a little longer than we would’ve liked to get pregnant with Eden. My doctor told me if I wasn’t pregnant by Fall she would put me on some medication to help and I just had this gut feeling to hold off and I found out I was pregnant on December 1, 2014. I had a wonderful pregnancy and delivery. I loved being pregnant and my delivery was so easy. I nursed Eden until she was almost two and decided to stop when we thought maybe that’s why I wasn’t getting pregnant with number two. Chad and his two siblings are one and a half years apart and he wanted that for our children, and so did I. I finally went to the doctor in October 2017 and was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). 10% of women have it and it can affect your fertility. The medicine my doctor put me on made me sick so I had to quit taking it. My doctor ended up going on maternity leave for several months so I felt like I had to be my own doctor. It was very frustrating. And every time I got on facebook there was another woman (often younger than me) having her third baby. I started feeling guilty because it was so hard for me to be happy for others. And I often felt guilt because I had Eden. Why can’t she be enough? And what about all the many many women who are trying so hard to have one child?

On May 17, 2018 I had a routine check-up with my doctor about my pcos. She said she would refer me to a fertility doctor, but he may not do anything until I lose weight. Lady, I have been trying to lose weight for 11 years! I gained an insane amount of weight in college due to severe depression and anxiety. My doctor says PCOS makes it very hard to lose weight as well. I decided to hold off on the fertility doctor and try to lose weight…again. On the way to the doctor that morning I didn’t feel well. I was having some stomach pains, but I didn’t mention anything to my doctor because I thought it was nothing.

By the time I drove the 45 minutes home I couldn’t hardly walk from my car to the door. Thankfully, my father in law was in the house watching Eden. He talked me into going to the ER. By the time we got there I was in so much pain. I had taken two pregnancy tests the week before but they were negative. However, the blood test at the hospital came back positive. I refused the pain medication because if it was a viable pregnancy I didn’t want that in my system. After all the tests came back the doctor said they couldn’t exactly tell for sure what was going on without going inside and if they did that and the pregnancy was viable it could end the pregnancy. Of course, I refused. I had hope that I was pregnant. I had been trying for two years and was finally pregnant again. For about 9 hours I had hope. I am so thankful I didn’t know I was pregnant sooner. I think God was really protecting my heart. It was close to midnight when the pain was unbearable, even with the pain medicine. The doctor came in and said we had to do the surgery right then. Chad couldn’t believe how calm I was. I guess I was in so much pain I didn’t care what anyone did.

I overheard someone talking about it as I was trying to wake up. It was an ectopic pregnancy, which is where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, normally in the fallopian tube. If you don’t catch it in time it can rupture, which is what happened in my case. I had lost over three pints of blood, which was in my stomach. It was a very good thing they operated when they did. I lost one fallopian tube, but I still have both ovaries, which the doctor said looked very healthy. They also removed a very large cyst as well. The weeks following my surgery were full of anxiety attacks and sleepless night. It all happed so fast and was very traumatic. I felt so alone in my experience. Every time I closed my eyes I replayed the events of that day in my head. And if you look up ectopic pregnancy online it tells you it’s more likely to happen again if it’s happened before, which doesn’t help my anxiety. Every month when something feels off with my cycle or I have a weird pain I go into a panic thinking it’s happening again.

My due date would have been December 26. I’ve always wanted a Christmas baby. Knowing it never really was a fetus helps. At the point it was, it was just a bunch of cells in the wrong place. But still. If it would’ve been a normal pregnancy I would have a newborn right now. I would be nursing a baby again. It hurts so bad. Eden is three and half and I want her to have a sibling. Chad yearns for a son. And I am so passionate about pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. In another life I would have totally been a midwife. I could talk about those things all day long. But right now when I talk about them there is sadness deep in my soul. I long desperately to nurse a baby again.

But I have HOPE. I know it’s cliché, but God truly does have a bigger and better plan than my own. I have a huge heart for fostering and adoption. We aren’t at a place where we can do that right now. We live on almost nothing financially because the farm is our baby right now in a sense. But maybe in some years God will allow my heart for those things to be fulfilled.

Im telling my story because I know there are so many women struggling to get pregnant. As I mentioned above, I feel guilty for being upset because I already have a perfect and wonderful little girl. I am already a mommy. I once had a therapist tell me that I have my own story. There will always be others in a worse situation, but that doesn’t mean yours isn’t still difficult or insignificant. And I have a dear friend that often reminds me that when those people say “Well you should just be thankful you have one” and “Count your blessings” to just ignore them. They obviously haven’t been in your shoes. So whether your trying for your first child or your third, know you are not alone. The childbearing years for many women are just plain hard.

Going on from here I’m going to try really hard to focus on my mental and physical health in 2019. Spending time with Jesus, eating healthy, and exercising are my main priorities. I’m going to focus on the positives in life: loving on Eden and my supportive husband, homeschooling, and growing our farm. Goodbye 2018…you truly sucked. Here’s to 2019…whether you bring Eden a sibling a not I’m determined it is going to be a great year!

Not Alone

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Not Alone

As you’ve noticed, I haven’t posted anything since last March.  I’ve thought about it several times, but then I get overwhelmed about what to say and I overthink the whole thing and give up.  But today I don’t care.  Today I’m going to be me.  Since I moved to this farm just over 4 years ago, I’ve been trying so hard to fit in.  For one, my liberal views and hippie mama ideas don’t exactly mesh well with most of Pawnee County (though by the blessings of God I’m slowly finding some wonderful like-minded mama friends!).  And then there’s the whole trying to fit in on a farm with a farm family when you grew up on a paved road 10 minutes from town with a dream of either living in Africa or suburbia when you grew up.  Some days I feel incredibly alone.  Physically alone, but mostly alone in my thoughts, dreams, and passions.  Most days I’m fine and happy and thankful we live out here surrounded by God’s raw beauty.  But some days (or weeks) I’m not.  Being a stay-at-home mom is hard enough when you’re not isolated from the rest of the world.  But then throw in several dreary rainy days in a row and finding the energy and motivation to wash dishes, fold the laundry, and build play-do castles is just plain hard.

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This was my living room a couple weeks ago, and it pretty much looks the same today! And I have no idea what Eden Is doing!? Ha ha!

I guess I’m writing this to let you know it’s okay to have a bad day…or a bad week.  I get so sick and tired of Facebook and Instagram because sometimes that’s my only connection to the outside world and everyone looks so perfect and happy.  All the stay-at-home-moms are having the best day of their lives in their work-out clothes (with makeup) drinking their latte while their 3 year old naps for 3 hours.  I know that mama has bad days.  I only post the good stuff too…that’s why I’m writing this.

I’m writing this to let all the mamas know they are not alone.  We are not alone.  Even if you’re not a mom you are not alone.  I think everyone desires to be known deeply.  Everyone desires to have companions.  Unfortunately, there are times in our lives where those things are hard to come by.  I’ve tried really hard this year to be consistent in my “Jesus time” everyday.  I have been using “New Morning Mercies” devotional by Paul David Tripp and it is AMAZING!  God has been speaking to me in so many ways, but I have been so encouraged and comforted by knowing that God knows me.  The God of the Universe knows ME and He WANTS to know me…deeply.  Psalm 139: 1-6 says,

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

No matter how alone I feel or how badly I just want someone to “get” me or to care about the things I care about or actually listen and try to understand what I’m saying GOD DOES.  He “gets” me.  He knows my heart.

Another thing I struggle deeply with is wanting to please people.  I want so badly for the people around me to approve of me, to like me, to encourage what I’m doing…and what we are doing as a family.  I think a lot of us women (and it gets worse when you become a mom) struggle with this.  The good news is it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks!   Galatians 1:10 say,

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” 

I have to remind myself daily that it does not matter what others think, but what God thinks.  I could write an entire post about caring too much about what others think but I’ll save that for another rainy day. 

Bottom line is:  it’s okay to have a bad day, but remember you are not alone.  And mamas out there: y’all are doing a great job.  Do what is best for you and your family.  Don’t get overwhelmed by little comments your neighbor Sally said about you still nursing your 3 year old or about the fact that you let your boy toddler play with your makeup or tea set.  Will worrying about those comments/opinions matter in 10 years?  Nope!

Now that I’ve got that out and wallowed in my self-pity I’m going to go get something done around here…starting with washing the pee out of our queen-size bed sheets since we’re co-sleeping hippies! 😉

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We made butterflies during craft time! 🙂

Reflections on 2016

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Wow!  I cannot believe another year has come and gone.  I’ve said many times that if you would have told me where I would be when I was 28 I would have laughed in your face.  2016 was a huge year for me, for us as a family, and for our farm.

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Though Miss Eden was born in August of 2015, 2016 was my first full year as a mom.  It was the year my little baby turned into a toddler, where she learned to crawl, walk, and use her cute little mouth to “moo” like a cow.  It’s the year my little girl learned to give me huge hugs and slobbery wet kisses.  Waking up every morning to her big smile is the best part of my day.  I literally bring myself to tears at time thinking about her not being a part of my life.

2016 was the year I felt human again.  Because of Eden fighting my struggle with depression isn’t so hard anymore.  I have a wonderful reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard some days to find the motivation to do all the things stay-at-home moms do.  My couch looks so good from across the room, but most days I manage to do a pretty good job at balancing the baby, the house, and the hubs…oh and sometimes myself ha ha!

My hope in 2017 is to worry less about how clean my house is and to spend more time loving on Eden.  I also want to start making a daily schedule for us that fits time in just for reading/learning , playtime, nap-time, and even scheduled time for me to do housework, wash eggs, and cook meals.  We read books all the time, but she has lots of cool learning tools I want us to start sitting down and working on together.  I’ve already put all of those items such as her blocks, puzzles, and coloring books on a shelf in the living room next to the little table I cleaned up that Chad and his siblings had when they were kids.

Being a mother really is the best thing that has happened to me and I’m excited to see where it takes both me and Eden this year as we both learn and love together.

The Farm

As many of you know Chad quit his day job in August to farm full-time.  It was a big and scary decision for us all.  So far, it was the best decision we’ve made for the farm and the family.  All of our stress levels went down significantly.  Chad has been able to spend so much for time with Eden.  In 2016, we raised over 1,500 meat chickens and plan to raise many more this year.  We grew around 5 acres of vegetables and hopefully plan to do not too much more than that this year ha ha!  Well, I forgot we will have 10 acres of pumpkins and watermelons on some land a few miles from the farm! And we got 330 MORE hens, which really just started laying in the the past couple weeks. But if they’re laying 5 dozen a day right now on these cold, short days, they will be laying dozens and dozens of eggs in they’re peak!  Which means lots of egging washing for this mama!  It was a great year for the farm in 2016!  But there are some big things on the horizon and I pray and hope 2017 will be a huge year for us!  I’m thankful for my hard working husband who is so full of passion and keeps everything going.  During the Winter months he will be doing taxes at the local H&R block to bring in some extra money since farming is a lot slower this time of year.  Farming (no mater what kind) is extremely hard work and I don’t know about other farmers, but we hope and pray we have enough money to pay our bills each month.  But the lifestyle we get to have because of it is worth every long and sweaty day.  2017 begins our 4th year of farming and I’m excited to see where this journey takes us.  May we have a bountiful crop, lots of eggs, healthy chickens, many happy customers, and of course rain!

 

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So long 2016.  Here’s to 2017-a new year, a new chapter.  May I be the best wife and mother I can be.  May I love myself and be more patient.  May I slow down during the day to meditate and reflect on the goodness God has given me.  May I be more grateful and joyful and complain a little less.

 

***All photos on this post were taken by Samantha Siler at  JS Creations

 

 

Mom Blahness

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So my goal is to write a post at least once a week…maybe on Monday mornings.  Mondays are basically our Saturdays anyways since we are at farmer’s market all day.  On Sundays we have church and often do something with friends and family, so Mondays are our day to relax (or at least try to!).  Well, obviously I didn’t write anything on Monday…or Tuesday.  Chad keeps encouraging me to be consistent on here, but I just never know what to say that’s interesting to other people.  And then I read a blog post earlier this week from a fellow mother who writes simply about her life: her struggles, her hopes, or daily activities, but a lot about her feelings.  She talked about how she wishes there were more blogs like that because anymore they are  focused on one subject, like cooking, fitness, or finance.  It was encouraging to read the comments on her post as well.  People relate to feelings.  And I have LOTS of feelings!  So many that I could probably write two posts a day on here!  I think I’m saying all this because  I’ve been feeling a little blah lately.  I’m tired, have very little motivation, and have been rather negative ( Chad would agree!).

I’m pretty sure my problem is simply myself!  I am so hard on myself and have been my entire life.  I remember before I even got pregnant being so fearful that I would be a bad mom.  And the whole time I was pregnant I worried about the same thing.  I had BIG plans for being a stay-at-home mom.  And yes, I’ve done most of the “granola-hippie mama” things I intended.  But there are several things I just don’t have the energy to do.  Like make ALL my own food.  I was going to make Eden food from all natural products, but if I’m honest she probably ate a whole sleeve of Keebler club crackers today.  And I sometimes use Johnson and Johnson baby wash (instead of the natural stuff) because I have tons of it from all my showers.  And I let her eat pizza and chocolate pudding this week.  Eden has now watched 3 episodes of Baby Einstein today and originally I wasn’t going to let her watch tv at all.  Plus, I asked Chad if he would cook dinner tonight because I just don’t know if I can muster up the energy to do it.  And it’s so easy to tell myself I suck at life and that I’m a horrible mom and I’ve failed miserably!  I know what you’re thinking.  But I know I’m NOT the only mom who does this.  We are all hard on ourselves.  But we must stop it!  We can’t do it all.  We have to stop comparing ourselves to other mamas (and people in general).  And we must quit putting opinions from other people in our head, because most of the time they probably don’t even think those things about us!   If our children are alive, healthy, and thriving I think we are doing a pretty awesome job! 

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Eden Grace sitting on daddy’s lap at church on Sunday! 🙂

On top of beating myself up, I think I’ve been so blah lately because we basically do the same things everyday.  Eden and I sleep in, we eat breakfast, I wash eggs and laundry, and straighten up the house.  She takes a nap in the afternoon while I read or do housework.  Then we help daddy with evening chicken/turkey chores.  It’s pretty boring and repetitive sometimes.  I think it’s so easy for stay-at-home mamas to get in that rut.  Once my sprained ankle gets healed up and Eden’s hives go away (she had a reaction to a vaccine) we are going to plan 2 out-of-the-ordinary activities per week!  They might be on the farm or they might be in town, but that’s my new goal!  If we don’t keep it fresh I know we will both be miserable and bored.

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Poor Princess had an allergic reaction to her measles vaccine (yes we did decide to vaccinate).  So she’s in disposable diapers and clothes-free right now. 😦 

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Playing dress-up with the flower headband future Aunt Chelsea got her! 🙂

So if you’re reading this and your a mom please be encouraged to know you’re not the only one who is ridiculously hard on themselves and feels “blah” sometimes.  You are awesome and doing a great job!  Sometimes you just gotta give the kid her cracker and movie if that’s what will keep everyone sane and happy.  Don’t beat yourself up about it! (I’m talking to myself here).  And if you’re a stay-at-home mom (or even a working mom) who feels like your life is getting boring or repetitive go and do something spontaneous.  Chad and I are planning a hike for my birthday next month and I can’t wait!  Go on a picnic, put together a puzzle as a family, bake cookies, or go to the zoo!  Sometimes the simplest things make a difference and brighten yours and your whole family’s mood.

I know when I’m feeling “blah” or like I’m not the mom I feel I should be I simply grab my little princess and hug her tight.  She’s my whole world and I know I’m hers.  At the end of the day that’s all that matters.  So go find your little one and remind yourself of that! 🙂

Where Does the Time Go?!

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(Written on Wed. April 6)

Today I am frustrated and overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to the point that it’s 10:30am and other than getting up for 30 minutes to help Chad move chickens I just got out of bed. (It was nice and very much needed to snuggle with Eden all morning!) The dishes are overflowing and the laundry has been in the dryer for 3 days with more falling out of the full  dirty laundry basket. I have 2 egg baskets full of eggs waiting to be washed, packed, and labeled.  Ahhhh!!!

I thought I was finally figuring out how to get everything done with a baby in the house: keeping the house clean, cooking a good healthy dinner every night, washing diapers, making Eden’s baby food, washing eggs daily, plus all the random things that come up, and helping Chad around the farm whenever needed. For a couple months I even felt like super mom.  Eden and I were up and ready by 8 everyday and I felt like energizer bunny getting everything accomplished. Chad was sick from work last Wednesday, so he was able to see everything I do in a day from his spot on the couch. I asked him at the end of the day what things I do that aren’t necessary because often at the end of the day I feel like I need way more time to get things done or like I haven’t accomplished much, and that’s without sitting down other than to feed Eden or myself.  He said he couldn’t think of anything I did that didn’t need done and he knows I do a lot around here. Folks, I didn’t even sweep the floor that day, and I normally sweep the floor a couple times a day! I keep asking myself what am I doing that I can cut out so I have more time for more important things. Or what can I rearrange in my daily routine so I have more time. My in-laws think all I do is clean my house all day. I wish I had the time to clean it like I would like because I can’t tell you the last time it’s been dusted. Yes, I am border-line ocd, but my house is not immaculate. I just like things picked up and because we live on a farm (and have a cat that sheds and gets litter everywhere) and everyone is in and out all the time there is a bit more upkeep. Now I can tell you that yesterday was the first time my floor got swept in 4 days and I should have taken a picture of the nasty pile!

It’s ironic that I feel this way because several times this week there have been articles on my Facebook news-feed about “to-do lists” or “what it really important in life” and that it’s okay to neglect things sometimes and spend time with your children.   I told Chad before Eden was born that I did not want to be that mom that was too busy for her children. If they need me I want to be able to stop what I’m doing and snuggle, read a book, or just listen. They are only little once and the dishes can wait.

I think my exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings are a blessing in disguise because my lack of motivation this week is causing me to spend more time playing and snuggling with Eden. (I’m going to blame getting up at 4:30am on Saturday for our new farmer’s market schedule for my exhaustion too! )

So mom’s out there I’m starting to get you. Moms working outside the home and inside the home are all superwomen, even when we don’t get it done or have it all figured out. It’s okay to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. And it’s definitely okay to neglect your house and laundry to read a book to your child. I don’t know where the time goes nor do I have it all figured out yet. But I know it goes too fast, so I want to make the most of every second.  I wouldn’t trade this life for anything in the world.  Even on the overwhelming and redundant days I would rather wash eggs and diapers a million times if that means I get to do those things with my little Eden girl.

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