As you’ve noticed, I haven’t posted anything since last March. I’ve thought about it several times, but then I get overwhelmed about what to say and I overthink the whole thing and give up. But today I don’t care. Today I’m going to be me. Since I moved to this farm just over 4 years ago, I’ve been trying so hard to fit in. For one, my liberal views and hippie mama ideas don’t exactly mesh well with most of Pawnee County (though by the blessings of God I’m slowly finding some wonderful like-minded mama friends!). And then there’s the whole trying to fit in on a farm with a farm family when you grew up on a paved road 10 minutes from town with a dream of either living in Africa or suburbia when you grew up. Some days I feel incredibly alone. Physically alone, but mostly alone in my thoughts, dreams, and passions. Most days I’m fine and happy and thankful we live out here surrounded by God’s raw beauty. But some days (or weeks) I’m not. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard enough when you’re not isolated from the rest of the world. But then throw in several dreary rainy days in a row and finding the energy and motivation to wash dishes, fold the laundry, and build play-do castles is just plain hard.
I guess I’m writing this to let you know it’s okay to have a bad day…or a bad week. I get so sick and tired of Facebook and Instagram because sometimes that’s my only connection to the outside world and everyone looks so perfect and happy. All the stay-at-home-moms are having the best day of their lives in their work-out clothes (with makeup) drinking their latte while their 3 year old naps for 3 hours. I know that mama has bad days. I only post the good stuff too…that’s why I’m writing this.
I’m writing this to let all the mamas know they are not alone. We are not alone. Even if you’re not a mom you are not alone. I think everyone desires to be known deeply. Everyone desires to have companions. Unfortunately, there are times in our lives where those things are hard to come by. I’ve tried really hard this year to be consistent in my “Jesus time” everyday. I have been using “New Morning Mercies” devotional by Paul David Tripp and it is AMAZING! God has been speaking to me in so many ways, but I have been so encouraged and comforted by knowing that God knows me. The God of the Universe knows ME and He WANTS to know me…deeply. Psalm 139: 1-6 says,
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
No matter how alone I feel or how badly I just want someone to “get” me or to care about the things I care about or actually listen and try to understand what I’m saying GOD DOES. He “gets” me. He knows my heart.
Another thing I struggle deeply with is wanting to please people. I want so badly for the people around me to approve of me, to like me, to encourage what I’m doing…and what we are doing as a family. I think a lot of us women (and it gets worse when you become a mom) struggle with this. The good news is it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! Galatians 1:10 say,
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
I have to remind myself daily that it does not matter what others think, but what God thinks. I could write an entire post about caring too much about what others think but I’ll save that for another rainy day.
Bottom line is: it’s okay to have a bad day, but remember you are not alone. And mamas out there: y’all are doing a great job. Do what is best for you and your family. Don’t get overwhelmed by little comments your neighbor Sally said about you still nursing your 3 year old or about the fact that you let your boy toddler play with your makeup or tea set. Will worrying about those comments/opinions matter in 10 years? Nope!
Now that I’ve got that out and wallowed in my self-pity I’m going to go get something done around here…starting with washing the pee out of our queen-size bed sheets since we’re co-sleeping hippies! 😉