I have been trying to write this post for many months. I’ve deleted and started over many times now. Today is the last day in 2018 so I’m putting this out there so I can leave it in the past and share my story and my raw emotions. From the time Chad and I got engaged I imagined having four to five children running barefoot through the house. It took a little longer than we would’ve liked to get pregnant with Eden. My doctor told me if I wasn’t pregnant by Fall she would put me on some medication to help and I just had this gut feeling to hold off and I found out I was pregnant on December 1, 2014. I had a wonderful pregnancy and delivery. I loved being pregnant and my delivery was so easy. I nursed Eden until she was almost two and decided to stop when we thought maybe that’s why I wasn’t getting pregnant with number two. Chad and his two siblings are one and a half years apart and he wanted that for our children, and so did I. I finally went to the doctor in October 2017 and was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). 10% of women have it and it can affect your fertility. The medicine my doctor put me on made me sick so I had to quit taking it. My doctor ended up going on maternity leave for several months so I felt like I had to be my own doctor. It was very frustrating. And every time I got on facebook there was another woman (often younger than me) having her third baby. I started feeling guilty because it was so hard for me to be happy for others. And I often felt guilt because I had Eden. Why can’t she be enough? And what about all the many many women who are trying so hard to have one child?
On May 17, 2018 I had a routine check-up with my doctor about my pcos. She said she would refer me to a fertility doctor, but he may not do anything until I lose weight. Lady, I have been trying to lose weight for 11 years! I gained an insane amount of weight in college due to severe depression and anxiety. My doctor says PCOS makes it very hard to lose weight as well. I decided to hold off on the fertility doctor and try to lose weight…again. On the way to the doctor that morning I didn’t feel well. I was having some stomach pains, but I didn’t mention anything to my doctor because I thought it was nothing.
By the time I drove the 45 minutes home I couldn’t hardly walk from my car to the door. Thankfully, my father in law was in the house watching Eden. He talked me into going to the ER. By the time we got there I was in so much pain. I had taken two pregnancy tests the week before but they were negative. However, the blood test at the hospital came back positive. I refused the pain medication because if it was a viable pregnancy I didn’t want that in my system. After all the tests came back the doctor said they couldn’t exactly tell for sure what was going on without going inside and if they did that and the pregnancy was viable it could end the pregnancy. Of course, I refused. I had hope that I was pregnant. I had been trying for two years and was finally pregnant again. For about 9 hours I had hope. I am so thankful I didn’t know I was pregnant sooner. I think God was really protecting my heart. It was close to midnight when the pain was unbearable, even with the pain medicine. The doctor came in and said we had to do the surgery right then. Chad couldn’t believe how calm I was. I guess I was in so much pain I didn’t care what anyone did.
I overheard someone talking about it as I was trying to wake up. It was an ectopic pregnancy, which is where the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, normally in the fallopian tube. If you don’t catch it in time it can rupture, which is what happened in my case. I had lost over three pints of blood, which was in my stomach. It was a very good thing they operated when they did. I lost one fallopian tube, but I still have both ovaries, which the doctor said looked very healthy. They also removed a very large cyst as well. The weeks following my surgery were full of anxiety attacks and sleepless night. It all happed so fast and was very traumatic. I felt so alone in my experience. Every time I closed my eyes I replayed the events of that day in my head. And if you look up ectopic pregnancy online it tells you it’s more likely to happen again if it’s happened before, which doesn’t help my anxiety. Every month when something feels off with my cycle or I have a weird pain I go into a panic thinking it’s happening again.
My due date would have been December 26. I’ve always wanted a Christmas baby. Knowing it never really was a fetus helps. At the point it was, it was just a bunch of cells in the wrong place. But still. If it would’ve been a normal pregnancy I would have a newborn right now. I would be nursing a baby again. It hurts so bad. Eden is three and half and I want her to have a sibling. Chad yearns for a son. And I am so passionate about pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. In another life I would have totally been a midwife. I could talk about those things all day long. But right now when I talk about them there is sadness deep in my soul. I long desperately to nurse a baby again.
But I have HOPE. I know it’s cliché, but God truly does have a bigger and better plan than my own. I have a huge heart for fostering and adoption. We aren’t at a place where we can do that right now. We live on almost nothing financially because the farm is our baby right now in a sense. But maybe in some years God will allow my heart for those things to be fulfilled.
Im telling my story because I know there are so many women struggling to get pregnant. As I mentioned above, I feel guilty for being upset because I already have a perfect and wonderful little girl. I am already a mommy. I once had a therapist tell me that I have my own story. There will always be others in a worse situation, but that doesn’t mean yours isn’t still difficult or insignificant. And I have a dear friend that often reminds me that when those people say “Well you should just be thankful you have one” and “Count your blessings” to just ignore them. They obviously haven’t been in your shoes. So whether your trying for your first child or your third, know you are not alone. The childbearing years for many women are just plain hard.
Going on from here I’m going to try really hard to focus on my mental and physical health in 2019. Spending time with Jesus, eating healthy, and exercising are my main priorities. I’m going to focus on the positives in life: loving on Eden and my supportive husband, homeschooling, and growing our farm. Goodbye 2018…you truly sucked. Here’s to 2019…whether you bring Eden a sibling a not I’m determined it is going to be a great year!