Written last Thursday, May 8
I started this blog a couple months ago thinking I could write about all the cool things Chad and I are doing here at the farm since our move in December. But as you’ve seen I have hardly posted. There are often things I want to post like crafts I’ve made, furniture I’ve painted, food I’ve cooked up, etc. etc. But for some reason I hesitate to write about it. I tend to over think things. What if no one reads it? What if people think this or that about me? Is that too personal to write? So today as I’ve sat around the house waiting for things to dry out after the rain (even though it wasn’t much I am so grateful for the rain we did get) I thought I would be honest about the funk I’ve been in since the move and the reason I haven’t posted much. Now don’t get me wrong, there are so many moments I absolutely love living here at the farm. For one, it’s insanely beautiful out here. God romances me several times a day, even when I’m doing mundane chores. For example, when I was watering the flowerbed earlier this week I watched a beautiful little hummingbird fly from flowerpot to flowerpot. It’s the little things like that hummingbird that bring joy to my heart.
But I am not going to lie. It hasn’t been the easiest thing adjusting to life on the farm. And just because I’m adjusting doesn’t mean the things I’m adjusting to are bad…just different from what I’m used to. I think the hardest part was leaving my friends behind in OKC. Most of my closest friends were at the church where I worked. Everyday I had other females around me to laugh with, share struggles with, go out to lunch with, etc. That is definitely what I miss the most. There are times, even though Chad, and his brother, and his dad are here everyday, that I feel very alone.
Another thing I’ve had to adjust to is being my own boss. This is very difficult, because since my job is here at the farm I have to be my own motivation. No one is telling me what hours I have to work, what I have to do, what deadlines I have to meet. I have to wake up everyday and make myself do the things I know need done. And there are days when there is a lot to do and there are days that are slow where I could be doing things that need to be done but aren’t pressing so it’s easy to put them off another day and then another day (hence the weeds and grass growing in the garden).
Another difficult aspect of the move is the lack of privacy I feel that I have. We live in Chad’s parents’ farmhouse where they lived when Chad was little, but Chad’s dad still comes to the farm everyday because this is where he works. We also live with Chad’s brother. This has been a rather hard adjustment for me. Chad and I grew up completely different. My family very rarely did things together. We only ate together as a family occasionally. Most of my childhood until I was out of the house was spent in my room with the door locked. We all kind of stayed to ourselves and did our own thing. Chad’s family very rarely did anything without the entire crew together. They ate dinner together every night and didn’t go to their own rooms until it was time for bed. This is what I loved about his family so much when we were dating. It was so foreign to me to be so close, but I loved it so much. Chad and I often talk about how we want our family to be that way when we have children. Even so, I still like a little privacy or alone time. Chad does not understand this concept and thinks I’m crazy. For example, when we lived in the city I could walk around the house half dressed, sleep for 5 hours on Sundays, and if Chad and I got into an argument no one could hear us yelling…ha ha. Now I have to be fully clothed at all times (which is difficult to do when we don’t have a working air conditioner) and Chad and I have quieted our arguments quite a bit (which is a good thing for sure). It’s just one of the small things I’ve had to adjust too. Living with another male species and being so close to Chad’s family has been an adjustment. But it’s definitely more of a blessing than a curse. I could not ask for better in-laws and I am so very thankful they are here.
I am writing this more for myself. I am one of those people, unfortunately that tend to focus on the negative more than the positive, and I need to remind myself of how blessed I am. I live on this absolutely beautiful piece of land, make my own schedule, am able to cook a nice home cooked dinner for the hubs and Jake every night, and I have people around me who love me and would do anything for me.
I’ve just been in a kind of funk since we moved out here. I am trying to find my place as a farmer/homemaker, and with that you need a lot of motivation, dedication, and patience, which are not easy to come by most days. I guess to sum it up, I struggle. My life is not perfect. I have good and bad days. People ask me all the time if I like it at the farm and I always say, “I love it!” And I do love it. But it isn’t always easy. I have this blog “Oklahoma Farm Wife” not only to share with you what Chad and I are doing on the farm, but to share what is in my heart: what my joys, struggles, and passions are. So please look forward to more posts simply about what we are doing, but probably more often about my thoughts.